Scrambled Eggs & and Dating

Once upon a time I was sitting at busboys chatting over brunch and mimosas w/ my girlfriends when a handsome gent walked in, He was tall, handsome, and wearing a button down in my fav, color. We caught each others eye  but I wasn’t sure if he was waiting for someone, a date maybe. Finally I said, eff it, wrote on a napkin ‘you caught my eye, more than once, call me if you’re single’.  He called me that evening and we meet for mojitos the next afternoon. I’d soon learn he is batshit crazy.

We went on several dates, he was always a gentleman, opened every door, pulled out chairs, and walked me to my front door and never tried get fresh and come in. Soooo….

One Sunday I decide I’d invite him over for brunch. I tell him I get out of church at 12:30 so he can come over around 1ish.  Our text xchange looked like this…

me: leaving church now, feel free to head my way

him: okay cool

over an hour later, he’s MIA

me: everything okay? brunch is almost ready

him: oh am I still invited? I’m so hungry

I scratch my head, maybe he’s still groggy

me: um, yeah see you soon.

I made scramble eggs,  blue berry pancakes with the blueberries my Auntie Chrissy picked from Hiller’s Farm at home (foreshadowing)

He gets to my house, I set the table, I put a little of everything on both our plates.

him: ohh I don’t really like eggs

me: oh okay *scrape eggs off plate (think, odd because I asked if there was anything he DOESN’T eat before I started cooking)

him: but I’ll eat them if you want me to

me: I mean, don’t eat eggs if you don’t like eggs (thinking wtf, I’d never eat something I hate for someone else)

So eating begins. Now, take note, he’s 6’7″, he ate 1.5 pancakes and said he was full. WTF So I begin to eat my eggs, which I’m assuming he is grossed out by scrambled eggs because when I paused, he picked up  my plate, reached over our eat-at counter, and scraped my eggs into the garbage disposal!!! A plate of eggs in the garbage disposal!!! WHAT THE EFF! I said ‘Uhh I wasn’t done’ he responded with ‘YOU SNOOZE YOU LOOZE;’

YOU SNOOZE YOU LOOZE? What grown man says that in regards to food he didn’t cook, in a house that is not his? WHAT!??

He then offered to wash the dishes, fine. I ask him to set aside the stack of pancakes as I think  my roommate will want them and the rest of the eggs too. He says nothing in response my request so I assume he just did it. I get up to wash my hands, go to throw the paper towel away and discovered he’s thrown away the stack of pancakes and eggs. WHAT!?? I’m now annoyed he’s wasted food (true its just pancakes but it was my handpicked blueberries from home Got Damnit! and I hate wasting food when so many people starve everyday).

I awkwardly had to put him outta my house, tell him ‘this isn’t gonna work’ and delete his number.  Hours later I get a text from him. I sit and wonder what it may say before I open it… ‘I understand this isn’t gonna work but do you wanna smoke a blunt with me this evening”.  I nearly died. This is a man who has a BA from a fancy school and an MBA from a fancier school, is tall and handsome and seemingly has it together (clearly the nonacademic part of his brain is not functioning). But he threw away my scrambled eggs down the garbage disposal (so bad for the environment)  and later asked if I wanted to smoke ganj.


p.s.  He also took a massive dump in my bathroom. flag on the play.

~ by tortillacachupa on June 15, 2010.

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