his tire ‘looked like a titty’ (clutch pearls)

A few years ago my cousin invited me to a Halloween party at her boyfriend’s house.  It was the first time I’d worn a costume on Halloween in years so I was all in.  So we get there, it was a good time, still warm enough to hang out on the deck, music playing, folks sippin dranks, all good.

My cousin says ‘I want you to meet this guy whose coming, I think you’d like each other’.

He arrives, I play it cool, we chat, he’s handsome, we exchange info and plan to hangout soon…

Its date night, or doomsday, they were interchangeable that evening, but that’s neither here nor there.  I call him to say I’m running 10 minutes late but I’m en route, he says fine he’s running late too, 30 minutes late.  So I start some Xmas shopping early while I piddle around and wait for him. He tells me he has a flat tire and can’t find someone to help him change it.  (don’t understand what the issue is, I thought most men could change a tire).

I’m done with shopping (read, killing time) so I got sit at the bar and wait. Finally he shows up. He’s barely in his seat before the apologies start, but only it didn’t make me want to forgive his tardiness it made me want to find the nearest exit.

“Shit girl, I’m so sorry, my mutherfuggin tire got a flat when I hit this pothole on 66.  I got this new Lexus with the runflats and that shit was the worst. I paid to much money for that shit to happen. Damn, I’m sorry I’m so late’.  I had to stop at this gas station and get help. I called these got damn esses over to help me change that shit. I’m a white collar man, I don’t change tires, I mean, I JUST bought this suit.   Man the tire looked so crazy, the side bubbled up and looked like a titty (hand motion of grabbing two breasts). So what do you want to drink?”

After the longest blank stare of my life, I pinched myself to make sure I’d not fallen asleep at work and this wasn’t a nightmare. Alas, it was my comical very real dating life, and I was awake.

We order drinks, and me a chocolate cake, because chocolate makes everything better. The cursing continues as he explains his last relationship and how his old girl didn’t appreciate the vacations he took her on and that she used him for his money, and other random financial TMIs that need not be disclosed on a date, a first one at that.

He’s my cousins boyfriends very good friend, so I suffer for another hour or so, make small talk and push through it. He’s not a bad guy. A good dude, just not.for.me.  I didn’t need him to come blowing in with the gusto of Chicago wind, cursing like a sailor and going on and on about his new luxury vehicle. I certainly did not find it sexy that he felt he was too good to change a tire.  My dad taught/forced me to learn to change a tire on my way to a winter track meet at age 17, in the snow! If I can change a tire in the snow, surely that dude can change a tire on a beautiful fall evening. I don’t get down with the ‘I’m above xyz’ attitude.  But yeah, all that cursing was no bueno, and he smokes cigarettes, I could tell. Blehh.

Yeah yeah yeah, I know, I curse, a LOT, but I mean, I can reserve that for story telling with my friends. 4 letter expletives are not for first dates. Shit! (giggle). But really, it was too much. It was kinda like Mush Mouth from Fat Albert’s gang was talking but all that came out was curse words. mub mub mub mub fuk fuk fuk fuk shit shit shit shit shit shit shit mub mub mub mub mub.

I did the faux yawn and said ‘well we should get going’.

He offered to drive me home, I think this could be self inflicted torture but I accept the offer. And while I got home quickly and safely,  I had to get a visual demonstration of said tire titty once we got to the parking garage and then hear all about his new car on the way home. Fortunately for me, home was only 5 minutes away….womp womp.

Another one for the record books…

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~ by tortillacachupa on June 20, 2010.

One Response to “his tire ‘looked like a titty’ (clutch pearls)”

  1. LOLOLOLOL!!! Hilarious. You should publish your date stories, Heather.

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